So much pressure was building, I could hardly take it, but she was so beautiful that I had to. Even though I wasn't sure I was ready to lose my virginity - I debated it for days, knowing that it could happen soon - I did it. I might burn in hell, I might screw with my psyche for doing it before marriage, I might disappoint completely and inspire laughter.

But I couldn't just not do it. So I lied on top of her, her chocolate skin melting on my bed, her mouth pouting like Shirley Temple, and said "May I?" "OK" And I was off. Quickly. And it was amazing. For five minutes.

Then I started crying. Had I nailed my coffin, proving I either rejected God, or didn't believe he existed? Had I, by taking off the gold cross given to me for my quinceañero, also taken off what was left of my faith in life?

A year later I was obsessed with S/M. I've always been a quick study.

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